Join me on the Undead and Unsure tour, featuring 12 days of all things Betsy. Check out the hidden excerpt, and leave me a comment below telling me your thoughts or if you've started tis series, yet. Don't forget to visit the rest of the stops on the tour, below.
UNDEAD AND UNSURE BLOG TOUR: THE 12 DAYS OF BETSY
The Hidden Excerpts
by MaryJanice Davidson
From Undead and Unpopular, Book 5
(in which Betsy is thrown a surprise 31st b-day party by friends
and family,and takes inventory of the gifts)
“Another Macy’s gift card! Come to Mama.”
“It is your fourth,” Tina observed. We were in one of the mansion’s many side parlors—this one was done in muted shades of apple green and cream, with furniture that was more dust than wood—going through my stack of birthday gifts. Tina, ever the efficient major domo, had offered to note who bought what and take care of the thank you notes, which only proved she’d been dead too long. “You don’t mind?”
“Mind? Mind being able to get a pair of Vince Camuto sandals and a pair of Vince Camuto Zella pumps? Why don’t you ask me if I mind going to a sample sale? Ask me if I mind—”
“Because, as I mentioned earlier, I would be happy to tend to this tedium for you,” she continued, and I had to give her points for doggedness.
“Tina, read my lips: this is the fun part. This part of the party is fun. Piling up the boxes of gifts is fun. Opening the gifts is fun. You repeatedly offering to do the fun part is not fun. Oooh, the first two seasons of 30 Rock!” Tina Fey was a living god, and now I could watch her all I wanted. Call me old-fashioned, but I liked my DVD player, dammit, though Marc was always bugging me about On-demand eventually replacing DVDs (shyeah!). “That’s from Jessica, I’ll bet. That bitch.” I said that with total admiration. “She’s the one who got me hooked on the Rock in the first place. Then buys me a present she wants. No thank you note for her.”
“Yes, a thank you note for her.” Tina hadn’t looked up from her notebook; her pen, flashing back and forth, was a gold blur. “I have some lovely Tiffany stationery I wish to break in and this is an excellent opportunity.”
“Tiffany makes stationery? Who goes to Tiffany and says ‘the diamonds are okay but what I’d really like are the envelopes’?”
Tina just smiled and shook her head so her long blonde curls bounced (she could make big bucks doing shampoo commercials). “You would be surprised.”
“Besides, it’s dumb to write Jess a thank you note.”
“Courtesy is never dumb.” Pause. “My queen.”
I let the pointed pause pass without comment, which wasn’t easy. “But I live with her.”
“No reason to jettison good manners, my queen.”
“I’m not mailing my roommate a thank you note!”
“Then I shall hand deliver it.”
“Her room is thirty feet from yours!”
“Then it won’t take long.”
“Lame.” I picked up an envelope and recognized the scrawl. “This is from my dad.” I held it to my forehead like Johnny Carson doing that old shtick that, incomprehensibly, my mother always found hilarious. “Five hundred bucks. And the date—my birthday? Will be wrong.”
Tina looked up. “Shouldn’t you at least open—ah. A check. Five hundred dollars.” She squinted at the paper I’d efficiently yanked from the envelope. “Dated two days from now.”
“Toldja. It’s the total lack of thought that counts, right?”
She chewed her lip and I could almost hear her wrestling with herself. In the end, she said nothing, which spoke volumes for her self-control.
I wasn’t up to it, though. “This is so typical. He forgot until my mom bugged him. Then he grabbed the checkbook and took a stab at the date he thought might be my birthday. At least he got the month right. That’s from my mom,” I added as Tina reached for another envelope.
I felt it, smiled, then opened it. “This’ll be—yep.” I showed her the gift card for Orange Julius. “Like I didn’t love these before I died. Now they’re all I want to drink. Besides...uh...you know.”
“I do know,” Tina said gravely, which made me giggle. “Their raspberry smoothies are almost the right color.”
“Yeah, almost. Now what’s this?” I seized the shoebox sized box, which looked promising.
“That is my gift, Majesty.”
“Oooh, you shouldn’t have. I’m lying, of course you should have, but it’s one of those things people say.” I shook the box; something light rattled inside. “Now what could be inside a shoebox sized box? Hmm.” I removed the wrapping (deep purple, with black ribbon—scary and pretty—like Tina!), popped the top off the plain blue box, and stared at the treasure inside.
“Now, they’re used,” Tina began anxiously, totally misreading my silence, “but they’ve only been worn a couple of times. And they’re—“
“Lewis Salon pumps circa 1950, black lace with the square toe and ruffle lace embellishment! They’re not used, you delightful dumbass, they’re vintage!” I seized her and yanked her to me for a hug; her pen went flying and one of her sandals fell off. “It’s perfect, they’re so great, where’d you get them?”
“Vee haff ways,” she muttered against my neck, wriggling to get free. “My queen, you’re crumpling my notes.”
“So?” I let her pull back and gave her a resounding smack on the cheek. “A zillion thank yous, Tina. Bullseye.”
She smiled at me. “I am so glad to make you happy, my queen.”
“Well, mission accomplished. Let’s see what this is, I’m on a roll.” I grabbed another shoebox-sized shoebox. Come on, Christian Louboutin Blue Suede Platform Pump (a bargain at $660)! “Are you going to write and mail yourself a thank you note? Don’t answer that; it’s just gonna depress me. Oh, that bitch.”
Tina, who’d bent to pick up her pen, dropped it when she heard my tone. She sat back on the couch and looked on with wide eyes as I gingerly unwrapped the Payless shoebox. “Slip-ons, which she knows I think are tacky. In white, which she knows I never wear because they show dirt too easily. From Payless, which she knows I wish would burn down some night. $19.99, BOGO.”
“What is BOGO?” she asked in a hushed voice.
“Buy One, Get One. The Ant strikes again. Her evil is truly boundless.” I shuddered. I’d been holding the shoes like I’d hold a dead rat, and dropped them back into the box. “Remove these from my sight.”
Tina leaped to obey, and I thought it was weird and interesting that only the Ant could inspire me to actually sound like a queen.
“And she can choke waiting for a thank you note!” I called after the fleeing Tina.
That ought to fix her.
MaryJanice Davidson is the bestselling author of several books, most recently
Undead and Unsure (out August 6th, 2013)
Undead and Unstable
Undead and Undermined
Undead and Unfinished
Undead and Unwelcome
and Dead Over Heels
With her husband, Anthony Alongi, she also writes a series featuring a teen weredragon named Jennifer Scales. MaryJanice lives in Minneapolis with her husband and two children. Visit her online at
www.maryjanicedavidson.net, or follow her on Facebook and
Twitter.
Undead and Unsure (out August 6th, 2013)
Undead and Unstable
Undead and Undermined
Undead and Unfinished
Undead and Unwelcome
and Dead Over Heels
With her husband, Anthony Alongi, she also writes a series featuring a teen weredragon named Jennifer Scales. MaryJanice lives in Minneapolis with her husband and two children. Visit her online at
www.maryjanicedavidson.net, or follow her on Facebook and
Twitter.
Catching up on your Betsy-lore? Be sure to check out more exclusive excerpts from the series throughout The 12 Days of Betsy!
Fun excerpt! I've heard good things about Davidson. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteOutstanding excerpt. I've not read this series, but it is one I most certainly need to read. michelle_willms@yahoo.com.
ReplyDeleteHa..this sounds fun, thanks for sharing it!
ReplyDeleteYay, more Betsy is coming.
ReplyDeleteneat. It's a new one and new author to me. :) Thank you.
ReplyDelete